Ten take-aways from this session:
- How do you enter the conversation?
- What assumptions are you making?
- What is affecting your perception?
- Do you listen when you hear the words?
- Do you listen to understand the meaning?
- Do you listen to respond?
- Do you interrupt or finish off sentences?
- How do you manage distractions in a conversation?
- How many questions do you ask in a 20-minute conversation?
- How do you want others to see you?
***The following transcript has been automatically generated and is presented here unchecked***
LinkedIn Live Don’t be a hostage
listening, conversation, linkedin, people, perception, important, manage, questions, guests, charles, emotions, feeling, words, matthew, takeaways, booster, bit, week, nadine, hope
Nadine Powrie [00:01]
Good afternoon. I’m Nadine Powrie. And thank you for watching my LinkedIn live or thank you for watching it at the on the replay. I know that we’ve got a number of attendees today. So for those who don’t know me, I’m an executive and leadership coach. I’m a workplace mediator, and I am an international education specialist in my field is around change management. And I work with leaders when they are driving change to actually have courageous conversations. And those conversations happen around conflict management with their colleagues with the boat, happened around restructuring, redeployment, mergers or acquisitions, there are quite a lot of situations in which they are having those conversations. I want to say something about the Word, courageous conversation, because actually, I call them courageous conversation. But many of my clients when they come to me first, they tend to call them difficult conversation. And it’s just a matter of perception. But there are different words for difficult conversations, we use honest conversations, sometimes we use tough conversations. And the most recent one that I came across was sensitive conversations. So this is the kind of work that I do with leaders. And I love watching when they are transforming through the work that we do together. Because they their vocabulary evolve, their mindset changes, their skills, their experience, all of that is, is changing. And I can see it as I work with them. But I can also read it when they write to me and when they tell me about that change. And I think that what makes me really happy about the work that I do. So that’s me as a as my introduction. And today I am on my own on LinkedIn live. And for those of you who are listening to me and watching me, every week, you will realize that actually, this is not the same surrounding as usual. And this is because I’m in the Middle East currently. And I am sitting in a in a hotel room where actually the lighting is not great. So I just hope that you’re going to be able to see me without those two white lights in my eyes. So I apologize for that. But the light isn’t great. So today, I’m on my own, as I said, because I think it’s great to have a variety of the way that I do my LinkedIn live. And in as much as I’ve had guests this month. I think it’s nice to step back. And to take stock of what what I learned from those LinkedIn live. In the past, I’ve done 100 podcasts. And I’m not saying that because I want to be arrogant. I am just sharing that with you. And you can find them on my website, Nadine powrie.com. And it has made me realize that actually, it’s great to have conversations with people and to then step back and to assess what we are learning from from those conversations. And this month in January, I had two great guests. So the first one is Matthew despre, Hugh, and Matthew I met him at some rustlings event, I think it was about three years ago now. And we’ve kept in touch and he’s been my guest on my podcast, and he was my guest. It was like three weeks ago. And he’s an amazing person. So you can check him up on LinkedIn. And like Matthew, if you are listening, then Hi. And I’ve also spoken with child Crosby. So Charles is in America. And what Matthew and Charles have in common is that they’re are both passionate about negotiation. They’re very different profile, very different backgrounds, very different experience. And yet, what connects them together is their passion for negotiation. So I had a conversation with them both this month. And I just wanted to, I guess, share with you the lesson learned. So shows you the takeaways and what I would like to invite you to reflect on so the first takeaway for me is about The emotions, because when we are having a difficult, honest, tough sensitive conversation, when we are trying to negotiate with people, emotions are always running high. And I think what is important is to learn to manage our emotions. So for example, it’s quite interesting that I’m doing LinkedIn live, and I’ve shared with you that I’m not in my normal surroundings, I’m somewhere else. And that makes me feel a little bit nervous. Because I don’t know if you know, the light is great. And, you know, my background is not something that I’m used to. And all of that may be unsettling me a little bit. But this is just to show you that actually, you know, we have to learn to manage our emotion. And for me, managing emotion is a little bit like, showing you the behind the scene. But it’s not something that you see, it’s, for example, something that I’m aware of, in terms of when I manage my own emotions, so I’m aware of what’s behind the scene. And it’s all about the importance of that self management. So how do we do that? And I want to share with you some some tips that I’ve thought about following my discussion with Matthew and Charles, because I believe very strongly that you can better manage your emotion, if you are following a process. And this process can, you know, needs to be adapted for every one of us. But it’s a process that can help. So the first thing to think about is before before you go into a conversation, okay, so I’m not going to say that it’s difficult because if I say that it’s difficult, I’m already making the assumption that the conversation is difficult, and I’m sending the wrong message in my, in my brain. So I’m just going to say, before you enter into a conversation, you need to think about how you can boost yourself right, and how you can be positive about entering that conversation that you feel is a little bit daunting. So for me, it’s a little bit the same as when I go to Waitrose, for example. And when I look at their booster, the booster drink that you can buy. So I think one of them is with ginger. And it’s great for your immune system. So I’m going to I’m going to say to you think about before you enter the conversation, think about that booster, and how you are feeling about that booster. So I’m entering that conversation today feeling really happy that I am sharing my takeaways with you on LinkedIn live, feeling very confident about it, because I have a lot to say, and I’m excited, and I am happy. And feeling all of that. So that’s the the first impact of that theater booster. So I really pride myself with success, and how do I do that? Well, I think about past experience, and I think about, you know what I’ve read what has driven me to be in the situation where I am today. So I’m on LinkedIn. And I’ve entered that conversation with you. Where you can, like, see is that been light in front of me. But I know that I’ve done 100 podcasts, over 10,000 downloads. So I must have done something right. But I’ve given me a lot of feedback, a lot of positive feedback. So it makes me feel good. It makes me feel confident that I can be on LinkedIn live. And I can talk to you and you will have a new take some some lessons, you’ll go away and you’ll think and maybe you will change a little bit of what you’re doing. And that will make me very happy because it’s important for me to make a difference in people’s life. The other thing that I’ve done for for that LinkedIn life to prepare me for that, to prepare myself for that conversation is that I’ve taken the rain of of the process because since Monday, I have been kind of advertising on LinkedIn, my LinkedIn live and you will have seen that every day. I talked about this particular LinkedIn live so I’ve invited you to come along. And I’ve given you the location, it’s LinkedIn live. So I’ve taken the initiative to start that conversation. And that always puts you in a position of confidence. And I think that’s really important. And I’ve set the bar high, you know, I’ve got very high expectations. So this is how I’ve entered the conversation today. So my booster, my confidence level. And I hope that you can learn a little something from that. Now, the second takeaway from the conversation I had with Matthew, and Charles is about active listening. And Matthew, if you are listening to me, you’re not going to be surprised with what I’m going to say. When we spoke with Matthew, I thought that the word active listening for me is a little bit problematic, because it seems to imply that listening is not being active, it seems to imply that when we listen, we’re not being actively listening. And that, for me, is something that I’ve been thinking about, Charles talked about listening in, in a different way, he talked about participative, listening, so you don’t have to talk to listen, you are listening to somebody with different what I am trying to say, here, I’m speaking, I’m trying to think in French actually, when you when you are listening to somebody, there are ways to listen to a person. So you can smile, as I am doing now. And you can not, you know, you can keep them, you can keep the eye contact, and you think, or you will make the person believe that you are listening to them. And actually, it may be the case that you are not listening to them, you’re actually not listening. Because if you imagine the listening process, actually on a scale of one to 100, we stop at 20%. So we stopped listening at 20%. So you can do a lot of eye contact, you can do a lot of nodding, a lot of smiling. But deep down, you’re not listening. So we’ve got to find a way of being active, being participative when you are listening, and that you are the only one person to know how you do that. But I want to say something here, how do you know that you are listening? Okay, how do you know that you are listening? And the question here is, do you listen to hear the words, when somebody is speaking to you? Or do you listen to understand the meaning, because that’s actually quite different. You might come from a school of thinking, where you’ve been told that to make sure that the person sitting opposite you who is speaking to you can clearly see that you are listening to them. Because you are just when they finish talking, you’re just repeating what they have said using the words that they have said. But you and I we know that actually we can repeat words without understanding at all, what they are saying. I don’t know if you’ve been in that position where it’s exactly the same as sometime when you are learning a language, you can actually say some words, but you don’t know what you are saying. So what is important here is to understand the meaning of what people are saying, and how do you do that? I don’t have the answer. It’s very personal. Each of us have strategies to do that. But I just want to make you think about how do you do it? How do you listen to understand the meaning? Is it one or the other? You know, do you have to hear the words? I think personally for me what works best and it may be because a I’m a linguist B and bilingual words are very important for me and you will know in the post that I am writing on LinkedIn that actually the semantics the use of words, the use of sentences, all that is really important. So I tend to balance out and the words that I am hearing with the meaning. And it’s a process isn’t it? it so for me, it’s, it’s a balance of those two. And it works well. The question when you are actively listening is, do you interrupt people, I mean, I remember that’s when I was a teacher at the very beginning of my career, I would interrupt students, I would not let them finish their sentence. And I discovered that when I was actually filming myself, because I wanted to improve as a teacher, and I realized that I was doing dance. And I think if you are self aware of what you do, then you can change it. You don’t have to film yourself, it could be somebody giving you feedback, but just be attentive as to how you are listening, do you let people finish their sentence? Do you leave a silence between the moment when they finish talking to the moment when you are starting talking? And the other thing is, and I don’t know, if you’ve noticed is when you’re in a group around the table? How do you manage distractions. So let’s say you are, you know, person on the right hand side is talking and you are listening to their words, you are listening to understand the meaning of what they are saying. And yet you have the person on the left hand side taking their mobile and just, you know, reading a text that they’ve just received, or, you know, having a different facial expression, and how do you manage that without making the person who is speaking, feel, you know, they’re not valued, they’re not respected? Because suddenly you are putting your eyes on to into a different direction. So how do you manage distraction around the table so that everybody is feeling valued, is feeling appreciated? And can see that and can hear and that you are listening to them? And what about the number of questions that you are, you are asking in the conversation because you are listening to somebody. And then as they are talking, you have lots of questions in your head. And you know, so here you’re we’re in the scenario where you’re not listening to the words, you’re not listening to understand the meaning of what they are saying, you’re actually listening to respond. So in your head goes lots and lots of questions, and then they finish talking, and then you bombard them with questions. So you become an interrogator. Now, if you are doing you’re listening inventory, or you’re listening ODHH, with the very few cues that I’ve just given you, you will quickly realize that actually listening is mentally, emotionally, physically exhausting. Fact, we’re all tired. And when you’re a leader, when you’re a manager, when you are, you know, working, and you’re spending a lot of times in meetings, no matter what meetings it is, whether it is online, or whether it is a face to face meeting, it’s actually tiring to do that. So how do you manage your time to make sure that you have your daily dose of silence where you can replenish, you can stop thinking, and you can process the information that has been given to you. I mean, if you do that, you’re going to be a better listener. So again, it’s what works best for you. It’s about knowing how you are listening to people, it’s about being aware of what you can do to help yourself so that you are a better listener. And after each conversation, I invite you to reflect on how you’ve listened. And little by little, you will see a trend of your listening skills. And you will be able to improve on what you think needs to be improved. I look forward to to really hearing what you think about that. And then my final point is about perception. And we talked about that last week because people make judgments based on perception. And that is based on how you look how you behave, the response that you gave. So the question here is, how do you want others to see you? And I’m not trying to say that you shouldn’t be authentic by all means, you know, you should be authentic. You shouldn’t be who you are. I mean there is no point putting on an act if it’s not you, but just be aware that people are going to be making a judge Men based on their perception of how you look how you behave. So, you know, take me, for example, just right now, I’m talking a lot with my hands, I’ve got, you know, red nail varnish, I’m looking on the right hand side of my screen, because I’m just checking if you’ve got any questions, and I can’t see any questions or any comments at the moment. But what I am doing right now, will influence your perception. And then you will make a judgement about me. I’ve not necessarily thought of that, when I was, you know, as I am speaking, because I am who I am. And I, I, you know, I don’t mind. But you just need to be aware of what you are doing will influence people’s perception. So I hope that you can reflect on the on the habits that you you are developing, when you are listening to people, and when you are talking to people. And, oh, I’ve got Jonathan who say, who’s saying paraphrase and interaction of whether you are interested. Now that’s, that’s an interesting point, Jonathan, because because it’s actually there is actually a difference between paraphrasing, and interacting with people. Paraphrasing is when you are repeating what people have said, and there is the school of thoughts that you should be repeating their words. Because apparently, it’s evidence that you’ve been listening, but I come back to the point of is it not better to understand so it can be a balance of, yes, you are using their words, but you’re also showing them that you understood what they were talking about. I think for me, this is really important. And maybe it’s more important for me, because I’m bilingual, so I am kind of navigating between languages. And therefore, it, it’s all about the meaning and the meaning of of the words. So thank you very much, Jonathan, for that. And coming back to perception, I just want to say that perception is massively influenced as well by the assumptions that we can be making the bias that we may be having. And when you’re in a conversation, it’s really important not to make any assumptions. And I think that was one of the takeaways, when I was talking to Charles, don’t make any assumptions on people. Because you don’t know what’s behind the scene. It’s a bit like now you just can see I’m sitting on a chair, but you can’t see the environment around me. So it’s really important to try to remain focused, to actively listen to people, and to make sure that you know yourself, to ensure that you are listening to the people fully. And that may mean that between listening to, you know, be between different mean meetings, for example, it may mean that you give yourself 1015 minutes, to just process the information that was given to you to just make some notes, just do some recordings, you know, it’s what word works best for you. But this is really important when you are looking at conversations that are perhaps going to be challenging, and where you really need to make sure that you are using your energy to keep focusing on what is being said. So I hope that you have found my takeaways on my reflection, helpful and I hope that you can apply some of the tips that I’ve given you today. I you know, I look forward to receiving your comments and your thoughts. I just want to give you a preview of my guests next week. I’ve got two guests from America. So Donald Linga and Alan Tang are both going to be my guest and we are going to be talking about Miss in negotiations. We will be spending about an hour discussing the topic so if you have any questions you can send them to me and I will make sure that we we we ask those questions. Oh surely saying happy birthday and again, actually my birthday is tomorrow, Charles so but thank you very much for for listening, and I hope that I’ve managed to represent what we’ve discussed, John in our conversations last week. I hope that I have taken the takeaways that can help people and conversations. So on those notes, I wish you a very happy evening for me, it’s evening for you. Perhaps it’s afternoon for some of you it may be morning, and I look forward to seeing you next week. If you have any questions, you can email me at N Perry at Nadine powrie.com. You can go and visit my website Nadine powrie.com. Or you can direct message me on LinkedIn. I will see you next week. And until then, it’s goodbye from me from Dubai. Thank you